When I was younger, I thought tattoos were dumb. I'd see people in middle school and high school pressed to get them simply because other people had them. They'd end up with some pretty bad designs, infections, or the most basic phrases like "God's Child" or "Blessed." I think this dislike dates back to when I was young and would get those permanent ink toy things at birthday parties. I always feared them because I legit thought I'd never be able to get it off.
This is me speaking for ~14 y/o Armon of course, but over time I began to encounter people with dope designs who had elaborate meanings for their ink. There was something they carried with them in those tattoos that fulfilled them internally. I began to open up and understand the other side of things, even if I myself still didn't have anything I deemed worthy of putting on my body permanently. That's just me.
Isn't it crazy how the big moments in our lives can leave a permanent mark on us, whether they impact us physically, mentally, or both? Those fleeting moments from 10 years ago can stay in our minds, drive our thoughts, and ultimately influence our actions despite the time that's elapsed. Well, it wasn't until several months ago that I received some news that gave me my first tattoo idea. This same news made me look back on everyone I judged in high school and apologize for assuming the things they put on their bodies had no meaning. Maybe they didn't and still don't, but it's not my place to speak on it or judge. Do you, live your life.
I shared some tougher news related to the initial information I got with the people closest to me yesterday that I'm not fully ready to come out with publicly. I have a very tough experience that is pending, one I'm not ready for and honestly have feared for months. I don't deal well with these type of situations, one due to lack of experience but also due to how sensitive I can be. It already shook me up, and it's only bound to get worse before things get better. Even still, I know moments are going to come where telling myself "everything will be okay" won't help, even when I've found a way to move on down the road.
It'll be a big test for me, as I'm not the only person who will be affected by this. I've been self-centered a lot of my life, but I'll need to be there for people I love who this all may hit way harder than me. Same time though, as my lady said today, I've got to make sure I'm okay. I don't think this tattoo will solve all my problems, but it will also help me to understand reality. I can't run away from what's coming. And even if this tattoo idea doesn't come to life, what's going to happen will live with me for the rest of my life. The mental pain really can be worse than the physical sometimes. All I can do is keep clocking in, brace myself and recognize that I may never get over this pain. Living with it, and pushing on will at least make me feel it less....hopefully.