Knock Knock

Broadcasting your L's doesn't happen too often on social media, it's not part of the aesthetic. Especially mine. I've become more comfortable being vulnerable, but my pride would never let me go all the way sadboy. I presume it's the same for a lot of people. Usually the only time we bring up the failures and depression is when it's coupled with something celebratory to briefly reflect on the journey. This is probably the closest I will ever get to really letting it out regarding my failures.

Opportunities in life to me start out in three different ways - doors, windows, and walls. Either you create doors for yourself, or someone opens/holds one open for you. Windows, they're a bit smaller and you have to put a little more energy into getting them open. Even with a helping hand, it can be a shot in the dark but with focus and effort a window can become a door. Walls are the L's we take, the no's we get, the door's slammed in our faces, or sometimes they can even be ourselves. We may not know it though. Yes, you can break down a wall. It takes time though. You can make a window within a wall. Same time, doors can close and windows can be closed permanently too.

People in life tell you to prepare for everything which is impossible when literally anything can happen. I keep getting blindsided, perhaps because I put too much faith in others seeing me for who I am. Sometimes being a hard worker isn't enough. Sometimes being a good person that people enjoy being around isn't enough. I like to think of myself as both, but it's baffling when people can't see it. I truly try to be a pleasure to be around, but an even harder worker. It's not enough? What else do you want?

Nowadays in this professional climate everyone is saying to create, create, create. I agree, but clearly it doesn't happen overnight. You have to network and work under some people to gain knowledge and get ahead, but often times people aren't aware of your value. They don't acknowledge your worth and treat you as you should be treated. Or they might see how valuable you can be, feel threatened by that and treat you as lesser. They'll dim your light if it means theirs can shine brighter.

I don't know why so many doors have been shut in my face. In such dirty ways. Can I be better? Can I work harder? Can I do things differently and continually evolve? Sure, but at what rate is that expected? When someone blesses me with an opportunity, I put my all into it in order to not waste their time and show my appreciation. I try to be open to all things, and continually learn. I try to make it worth their while. The issue I've found sometimes is that people think too highly of themselves to teach or share useful information. Some of those people might be a part of the very team that you work every day to make better.

This is probably one of my less cohesive pieces because this is just a huge brain dump. I'm confused. I often find myself asking what about me makes it so easy for people to give up or pass up on me. Perhaps I still have some learning to do. I just find it very disheartening that people can ghost you without a trace. Without passing on knowledge so you can be better and improve. You might not be a good fit one place, but that doesn't mean you're not talented at what you do.

I've had a crazier three years than most people truly know. I've been to what I perceive to be rock bottom and fought my way out. I've literally lived a double life, being one way on my social media because I felt like I had an image to maintain when in reality many things were falling apart. I'm not at that point right now, but mentally I'm exhausted. I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I know what I deserve and I strive for it. I wish I knew what more I can do. Sometimes it feels like there are less and less windows for me in the world. Sometimes I think maybe I'm kidding myself pursuing what I pursue. I just don't know what else I could do that would make me feel as passionate. What else would make me keep knocking on these doors, throwing rocks at these windows, and punching these walls? Maybe I'll find out.

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