Updated: Mar 11, 2019
Before I do anything work-related, I take some time to start my day with personal writing. Whether just a free-write or my personal stash of music writing, it's truly beautiful. I highly suggest it to anyone who has issues making sense of how they feel. Getting things on paper and clearing your head BEFORE you get into other stuff feels better than working all day and trying to make sense of how I feel after my brain is already fried. We get into these fits of hyperproductivity nowadays and forget to step back, gather ourselves, and maintain peace of mind.
Sometimes, it just feels good to remember your humanity. That you can feel something. Anything. I've been numb for months, just waiting for anything to come from my eyes for any reason. Listening to sad music, picturing sad scenarios. Every week I'd tell my therapist "bro, at this point I just want to cry it out." We can't force ourselves to feel though. It comes with time, experience, and acceptance of reality.
Did I think playing the "Exclusive" piano ballad by Day26 would be the thing that finally brought emotion out of me? Of course not. You bet though, the hugest smile came across my face as a single tear rolled down my right cheek. I'll avoid the obvious Denzel Washington reference, though. It felt good to feel something besides anger and confusion. I've been angry at myself for what I've done. I've been confused that I haven't been unstable as a result of accepting my wrongs.
I'm on the road to getting my woman back. The one for me is willing to speak to me, and just seeing her name in my phone gives me so much hope. I'm reminded of what's real and what's important. Now just because I have this clarity and opportunity to speak doesn't mean the path is smoothly paved. I was reminded how fast I can say the wrong thing and how easily the hurt I caused can be triggered. This is going to be an uphill battle.
We were having a solid conversation but I slipped up and it got cut early. All the romantic gestures and sweet nothings I say can't erase the toil I caused. I don't want them to. I completely understand her negative disposition toward me and I need it to be kept in my face so I don't get complacent. It's evil in a way knowing how much someone loves you and how it can almost always trump any other emotion. The love is there, I can feel it in the way she looks at me. It's behind a lot of anger, confusion and baggage that I have to sift through. It can be done though. I've started to melt, and I'm bringing a blow torch with me for this situation.
This is the most important emotional journey I will embark on. Acknowledging she's the one is the start, but now the actions have to follow. You can bet your last dollar I'm savoring that one tear. I know I'm 99% prone to fuck things up and she has 99999 reasons not to waste her time on me. I just hope she can have faith in the 1%. I just hope the one reason she does have to give me one last shot, the fact we're madly in love with each other, is enough.
It may take some time, but sooner or later ice does always melt. Consider this me clocking in, but for real this time.