Our prefrontal cortex (the decision-making part of our brain) doesn't fully develop until we're 25. Even then, we're bound to make a mistake or seven...teen...thousand.
The thing about growing up is it is constant. We continually acquire knowledge as life goes on, thus we never fully reach the state where we are grown up and perfectly equipped to handle any obstacle. We as humans are impatient though, and we try to rush growing up for some strange reason. The average life span is about 70 years and we try to reach enlightenment by 22. Like there's a demographic of folk out there who just graduated college and think they have it all figured out. Nuts. This last month and a half has taught me how dumb I can be, but hey I'm learning.
One thing I've been reminded of is that I'll never be able to truly predict how something will make me feel. As self-aware as I may be, my emotions can be a whirlwind. If I had to describe 2019 to you so far, I'd probably say three or four completely different words that wouldn't help you reach a conclusion. That's because there isn't one. I'm questioning everything.
We make choices that at the time seem right. We convince ourselves of these narratives, motivations, and outcomes. We enjoy the initial spoils before reality sets in. We get tempted to reverse our decision and go back to where we were. We denounce the initial narratives, motivations and outcomes based on our new feelings and the knowledge we've acquired. We second guess ourselves, and then third guess.
I find peace in knowing there's a reason I don't have a handle on things. It doesn't make me better at navigating life, but the mistakes I make feel less severe. Of course, because I overthink everything that's not really true. Everything feels dire. Yet at the same time I do feel myself moving along toward where I ultimately want to be. The question is if I would've been headed there regardless. There are always bumps in the road and bruises to gain, yet I can't help but wonder if I inflicted some on myself unnecessarily. How long will I wonder? Can things be undone without throwing off your journey?